Don't Have the Words

Sometimes I simply do not have the words for my thoughts. I tend to think a lot. This is not "overthinking" as many are apt to do. I think of overthinking as thinking too much about the wrong thing, or obsessing about things that do not matter. A lot of people, may I say girls especially, think too much on the frivolous. I do this, too. I overthink how someone may have taken the way I said something, or how they think I am, or what the man I will marry will be like.

I don't like overthinking. It's stupid, a waste of time and energy, and unprofitable.

However, thinking a lot is different. I think about life, death, marriage (not just the man or his looks), children, missions, martyrdom, and church. I think about what I will do, what I should do, what others would like me to, if I should buy a house, and where I will live.

Sometimes, though, my thoughts are deep and hard to understand, even by my own mind.

I think late into the night, or while I take a long walk, or when I am alone at home. Once the reverie has been interrupted, I cannot seem to evaluate what exactly was going on. I try, but too often, I have no words. No words to express myself.

While I was in college last winter/spring, I started noticing this. I wrote in my journal about my struggles, "I think I have been saying things too simply & not with enough meaning or detail." Later I added, "I just wish I was better at communicating." Over the past year, I have tried to work on this, but it's hard.

The truth is, I am still trying to work on this. I have been for a while, but I think over the last year or year and a half, I have been more frustrated with myself. I have a hard enough time using the right words to express myself to others, but the problem is that I cannot even communicate with myself.

So, bare with me as I try to get things out in a cohesive manner.